Maker of Swiss Army Knives Brutally Mocked Over Its Solution to UK’s ‘Knife Crime’ Problem

In a move that can only be described as a laughable attempt to address the UK’s growing “knife crime” problem, Swiss firm Victorinox has announced the release of a new line of bladeless Swiss Army knives specifically designed for the British market.

This decision, which seems to have been made with all the forethought of a three-legged dog chasing a car, is a stark reminder of just how far the once-great nation has fallen.

Carl Elsener, the fourth-generation CEO of Victorinox, explained the rationale behind this decision, stating, “In some markets, the blade creates an image of a weapon.”

He went on to suggest that these new knives would be particularly useful for cyclists, who apparently have a pressing need for a can opener and a magnifying glass, but not a blade.

One can only imagine the relief felt by British cyclists, who can now confidently ride the streets of London without the fear of accidentally stabbing themselves with a non-locking Swiss Army knife blade.

The absurdity of this decision is further compounded by the fact that the UK already has some of the strictest knife-control laws in the world.

Despite these draconian measures, the country apparently has what an English judge recently referred to as a “plague of knife crime.”

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Rather than addressing the underlying societal issues that contribute to this problem, the powers that be have instead chosen to infantilize the entire population, treating them like unruly children who cannot be trusted with even the most basic of tools.

It is a sad indictment of the current state of affairs in Britain when a company with a 126-year history of producing iconic pocket knives is forced to kowtow to the whims of a nanny state that seems hell-bent on wrapping its citizens in bubble wrap.

One can only hope that common sense will eventually prevail, and that the people of the UK will be trusted to handle a simple pocket knife without causing a national crisis.

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Until then, we can all take solace in the fact that British golfers and cyclists will be well-equipped to open cans and magnify small objects, even if they can’t be trusted with a blade.